Culture Shock: What I Wish I'd Been Told About Nepali Culture

Living in a culture completely different from your own can truly rewrite your preconceived notions about people, the world, and even yourself.  When I lived in Thailand about 3 years ago, I shared a blog post about the culture shock I experienced living in Thailand, and it remains one of my most highly read blog posts to date.  Now, after nearly 2 years spent in Nepal, I want to share some aspects of Nepali culture that have shocked me, inspired me, and truly re-shaped my worldview.  

(Please note: I absolutely love Nepal; Nepali people are some of the most genuine, loving people I’ve ever known.  This post is for informational purposes and I don’t intend to come off seeming critical of the culture.  Every culture, including my own, has traits that are challenging and wonderful.  Be sure to read this post to the end to understand that there are more features of Nepali culture that I adore than those that are sometimes challenging for me.)

Reading time: 12 minutes

Challenging Aspects

1.  No Urgency: "We'll do it tomorrow"

One trait of Nepali culture that has been very challenging for me is the lack of urgency in pretty much most matters - business, politics, personal projects, etc.  This pairs with a habit of empty commitments, people making promises that they don't follow through on, to result in many frustrating situations.  The "we'll do it tomorrow" culture is a reason that most projects in Nepal either take much longer than expected or simply never get done at all.

The time that this affected me the most negatively was when tourists were told that we needed to leave the country in under 2 weeks when the airports re-opened after lockdown (in August 2020).  I volunteered to be the face of the hundreds of tourists who had been living in Nepal throughout the pandemic.  A group of us did a press conference where I read out a request to the government to allow us to extend our visas so we wouldn't have to travel in such a dangerous time.  It was beautiful to see how the majority of the public came out in support of our request.  We received many promises from government workers that we would learn the official response quickly; however, I learned then that promises don't mean there what they mean in my culture at home.  Tourists were reaching out to me at all hours of the night and day begging me to get an answer.  It was incredibly stressful and I was having frequent breakdowns about it.  Ultimately, on the final night that a decision could be made, the government declared that tourists would be allowed to pay to extend our visas.  It was a joyous moment of celebration.  All turned out fine, but the stress along the way taught me a valuable lesson in patience, especially when matters are out of your control.

Making our (ultimately successful) request to the government to allow us to extend our visas.

2. Superstition is the way: supernatural over science

It has been quite the adjustment for me to accept the cultural favoring of the supernatural over what I have learned in Western science.  People tend to believe that illnesses are the result of demonic possession or curses by witches, and that natural phenomena are the consequence of pleasure or anger in the godly realms.  The power of belief can be incredibly strong, for better or for worse.  I have seen families entrenched in deep suffering due to how deeply convinced they are that they are cursed.  I have also seen people feel healed after visiting the exorcist and believing strongly that they are being freed from their demons.

A fascinating experience for me was when I had a stomach bug and our family called in an exorcist to examine me.  I had already been to the doctor multiple times, and the medicines they gave me weren't helping.  The exorcist had me lie down, felt my stomach and listened to it as he pressed in different places.  He determined that it was not a demon, but the result of eating bad food.  He had my aunties mix a concoction of banana stalk, herbs, and charcoal, which was super icky to drink but actually helped me more than the other medicines did.  I was left with a quite positive feeling about the experience.  Plus, it's nice to know I don't have demons!

After being examined by the exorcist and told I didn't have demons, just bad food in my system.

3. Exaggeration: "I'm 5 minutes away"

I was raised to be very honest, and in general I would say that my culture has supported this.  If I say I'm 5 minutes away, I really am.  This is not the case in Nepali culture, which I have now learned to account for.  If someone in Nepal tells me they are 5 minutes away, I know that it will probably be at least 10-20 minutes before they arrive.  If someone in Nepal tells me they are on their way, I know that they probably haven't left their home yet.  This is not considered rude or even lying - everyone just knows to account for these exaggerations.  I've trained my partner to never do this with me, but I know that any friend or family member of ours who does this has no ill intentions, it's just what they are used to.

"We're on our way" can mean anything from "we'll be there soon" to "we haven't left yet," depending on who is saying it.

4. No Voicemail: 5-10 calls in a row!

 Something that initially shocked me in Nepal was the culture around calling people.  Voicemail does not exist there, so if someone doesn't answer a call, it is acceptable and even expected to call them 3, 5, even 20 times in a row.  Also, in Nepal, the caller is the one who pays for the call.  This means that if the receiver doesn't have a monetary balance with their service provider, they can't call back and just have to wait until the caller reaches out again.  Did I mention that most people have at least 2 phones, as well?  It all creates a whole different set of social expectations around calling that were so unfamiliar to me when I first lived there.  Now I know that if my guy doesn't pick up, it is appropriate to call him over and over until he does.  And I know that if my auntie calls me 6-10 times in a row, probably nothing is wrong, she just wants to chat.

My partner's two phones, one just for calling and one smart phone.  He uses one mainly for business and the other for friends/family/everything else.

5. Endless Refills: keep it coming, whether you want it or not

Something I have found pretty hilarious in Nepal is the tradition of providing guests endless food/alcohol, no matter whether they say they would like it or are actively trying to refuse it.  It is also pretty rude to not consume something that a host has given you.  This has resulted in many occasions of feeling stuffed or drunk or both, even when trying hard not to be.  Fortunately for me, I don't really drink alcohol anymore, so my partner advocated strongly to prevent hosts from giving me alcohol when I would visit their homes.  Unfortunately, though, people would force alcohol on him a lot, even when he needed to drive us home.  He has gotten very good at faking drinking.  Tip: take tiny sips every so often and pretend you are drunker than you are.  It's not honest, but it prevents the unsafe situation of drunk driving, so I guess it's the lesser evil.

Here are examples of typical spreads when a guest comes over for a special occasion.  All of these dishes get refilled multiple times!

6. Unpredictability Rules: surprise, the country is closed today!

Expecting the unexpected is the best strategy to thrive in Nepal.  There is a fun thing called "Nepalbanda" ("banda" means "closed") in which, at any time, the government of Nepal declares that the entire country is closed for a day, multiple days, even a week.  The police are told to enforce a strict no-movement policy, so cars, buses, motorcycles, trucks, and vehicles of any kind are not allowed to drive on streets nationwide.  Shops are not allowed to open.  People are not allowed to work.  Why?  This political strategy is kind of like a strike, meant to inconvenience people in power to the point that they are motivated to make social or political changes.  The unfortunate side-effect is that it deeply disturbs the economy and inconveniences everyone, not just people in power.  Usually Nepalbanda is announced the night before it happens, but sometimes rumors circulate earlier than that, so you can somewhat prepare and make sure you have what you need for a few days.  As someone who likes to know what to expect, you can definitely say that I've worked hard to adjust to a culture in which you simply have to be flexible.

A unique peace and quiet fills the streets when the entire country is closed.  Stalls usually bursting with energy from shops/restaurants are shuttered and silent while everyone must stay home.

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Wonderful Aspects

Overall, my time in Nepal has left me with immense love for the place and the people who live there.  Read on to learn just a few reasons why I have been deeply inspired and transformed by Nepali culture.

1. Village Mentality: we are all family

I come from a very individualistic culture.  The one is prioritized over the many, and isolation is the prevalent mode of operation.  This is not the case at all in Nepal.  In Nepal, the needs of the many almost always trump the needs of the individual.  People drop everything when a member of their community needs help.  When someone is building a home, has a baby, gets married, or dies, their family and neighbors clear their schedules and are there, ready to do whatever is needed.  Whether people are blood related or not, they are raised to help each other like family.  An example of this that truly amazed me was the day that we were paving the first and second stories of the new concrete home we were building in spring 2021.  People from all over the village - and even from neighboring villages - came to volunteer their help.  There must have been at least 50 people working all day, on multiple days, hard physical labor, men and women of all ages, to manually pave the ceiling/floor.  The tradition is that at least one person from each household should show up to any village event to offer help.  This leaves other family members to tend to matters around their own homes.  It is beautiful and so inspiring that people show up for each other like this.  Selfishness is not the path to happiness; compassion, care, and community are the way.

Village members did hard physical labor all day to manually pave the floors/ceilings of our home.  They took no payment other than an evening party with homemade alcohol and treats.

2. Earth Connection: seeing where food comes from

In the village, most of our food is grown literally just behind our home.  Vegetables, rice, corn, potatoes, herbs and more are available for picking pretty much year-round, whatever is in season at the time.  Milk and yogurt come from our buffalo.  Our household is vegetarian, but most homes also incorporate meat, which usually comes from animals killed in or around the village.  There is deep awareness of and connection to where our food comes from.  This is something I have found almost entirely absent in the culture of the USA, especially in Los Angeles, where nearly none of the foods we eat would naturally grow.  I absolutely love the ability to feel connected to the earth in the village.  I have many times wished that people in my home culture could experience this, especially in regards to seeing where meat comes from.  (Bonus in Nepali culture: cows are sacred and it is illegal to kill/eat them!  Cows are my favorite animal, so you can imagine how much I love this.)

Directly behind our home: rice, corn, cauliflower, pumpkin, squash, cucumbers, potatoes, tomatoes, cilantro, and more.

Sanam picking eggplant for dinner // Our aunts and cousins planting rice at the start of monsoon season.

Our cousin's sweet cow, who I love knowing will never be killed for meat.  They just keep her as a pet for good luck.

3. Cultural/National Pride: keeping traditions alive

Being a foreigner in a rural Nepali community has provided me with many opportunities to participate in the rich traditions of both the local and national cultures.  Nepal functions in a caste system (which also yields a lot of suffering, but I won't get into that here), and my partner is from a caste called Chaudhary or Tharu.  I am proud to feel like an honorary member of his caste.  There are festivals celebrated only in Tharu culture, outfits worn only by Tharu people, even a language only spoken in Tharu communities (which I know a tiny bit of, but it is super difficult to learn it in conjunction with Nepali, so I mainly only speak the national language).  On different occasions, my partner's family has dressed me up in cultural outfits that pretty much always make me feel like a princess.  It is so fun for me to be welcomed into local traditions and to get to celebrate the pride of my partner's culture!

Dressed up in traditional Tharu garb for the Tharu festival of "Gurhi."

Me in the classic outfit, called the kurta, that most Nepali women (especially in villages) wear on a day-to-day basis.  This kurta is a bit fancier and all in green for the festival of Sawanesakranti, the day that all women wear green to match the green surroundings during monsoon season.

4. Flexibility: it goes both ways

I have already mentioned unpredictability as a challenge, but I also want to include it as a positive feature of Nepali society.  There are so many benefits to having a flexible schedule and mindset.  Yes, sometimes when people are too flexible, it can feel flaky and inconsistent; it can also feel free, open, and spontaneous.  For example, my partner is currently re-starting his institute for teaching English in his rural Nepali community.  Getting students to commit has been quite challenging.  They say they'll be there at a certain time, and then they don't show up, saying "tomorrow" they'll come (see point 1 in challenging cultural traits).  However, the more time my partner spends at his institute, the more unexpected students roll through.  Now he has a solid group, different than he expected but in a very good way.  Surprises can be negative, but they can also be very positive.  When open to opportunities that arise spontaneously, great rewards can come, and beautiful connections can be made.

When we spent time in the institute while I was still there, tons of cutie pie kids would come by surprise, ready to learn and have fun!

5. "Guest is god": deep generosity of hosts

It has been pretty inspiring for me to see how deeply my partner's culture respects and embraces guests in their homes.  I have had the privilege of being invited into so many people's houses over the course of the 20+ months I've lived in Nepal, and almost always I feel in awe of how caring and generous hosts are for the entirety of the time I am there.  There is a saying there that guests are like gods.  I have certainly felt this on many occasions.  I am deeply grateful for how well I have been treated as a guest by countless hosts, especially in and around the village.

The time that I felt most like royalty as a guest was when a fan (we went viral, read about that here) invited us into her home for my favorite meal, paneer curry, and even had her niece do mehendi on both of my arms for free.

6. When you can help, you do: social connectedness

Last night, I was talking with my guy on the phone about the concept of helping whenever you can.  His mom was the sun in his sky, and she always taught him from the time he was little that whenever you have the opportunity to help someone, you do it.  This is not to say that you should help beyond your means; rather, when it is in your ability to help someone and still be okay yourself, then offering that help is absolutely worth it.  If you can't help, or if helping someone would actually hurt you, then it is wiser to not help (it is not wise to give from a place of lack).  It's all about balancing wisdom with compassion.  

I believe that in my society in the US, people often err on the side of wisdom to the point of greed, forgoing compassion altogether.  A good example is seeing a houseless person on the side of the road, begging for money or food.  Often, we have plenty in our bank account or in our wallet to afford a meal for that person, but in our society we are not trained to go out of our way to make that happen.  In Nepali society, however, it is their M.O. to go out of their way to help someone in need.  My partner is baffled by the idea that so many people in the US are wealthy beyond what they would ever need, yet houselessness and hunger are so prevalent here.

I have a long way to go with this one, if I'm being honest.  I'm still learning that you don't get poor by giving.  I'm still un-learning the greed, selfishness, and hoarding mentalities that my culture instilled in me so deeply.  I know compassion is the way to happiness.  I know that there are ways to give while still being wise and making sure that you/your family will be okay.  The first step is admitting that I want to do better.  I am working on it, and exposure to giving-cultures like Nepal's inspires me to continue.

People of all ages drop everything to help others when they need it.  Family, neighbors, community members... in this culture, it really feels like we are all in this together.

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This concludes my post on the challenging and wonderful aspects of Nepali culture that I did not expect when I first moved there.  I hope this has shed light on how inspiring and gratitude-inducing living in another culture can really be.

Thank you for reading.  Feel free to comment questions on what you've learned or what you would like me to elaborate on.  So much love!

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