Welcome to the Notebook series. These are stories from my time abroad, each connected to one main take-away that I learned during those years.
Read the preceding Notebook posts here: INTRO // 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7
This post contains the story for the insight: "If we were in other people's shoes, we would be doing exactly what they are doing, because then we would be them," titled, "Nui."
Reading time: 5 minutes
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NUI
"If we were in other people's shoes, we would be doing exactly what they are doing, because then we would be them"
I made a friend unlike anyone I have ever met while I was living in Pokhara, Nepal. His name is Nui, a 74 year-old mandala artist from New Zealand. Picture a long white beard rolled into a single dreadlock, tattoos all over - including fishhooks up the nose and a cross on the forehead, the widest smile with some teeth, and so much heart. [Correction from Nui: “I have no teeth whatsoever (but being so naturally handsome, this does not matter).”]. He taught me so, so much in our time together. He had a raw and witty sense of humor, much like that of my late grandfather, and we got along so well from the get-go. He taught me his technique (not his, but the one he learned from the mandala masters) for creating a grid with a protractor and ruler, which I still use for every art piece I make to this day. He also taught me one of my most important lessons I learned abroad.
It happened when my boyfriend couldn't attend the closing day of my art show because his boss last-minute told him he had to work late. Nui and I were sitting together doing art in the moment my guy called to tell me that. I was so disappointed. I told Nui about it and his reply has stuck with me ever since. I said, "If I was in his shoes, I'd just tell my boss that I have to go to my girlfriend's art show." Nui replied:
"If you were in his shoes, then you'd be doing exactly what he is doing, because then you'd be him!"
This response stunned me. I had been expecting sympathy, or agreement, or a "yeah, that sucks". Instead I got some of the wisest insight I had ever been exposed to.
I realized that he was completely right. I wasn't truly seeing from my boyfriend's position. He needed so much to keep that job. He didn't feel comfortable to talk with his boss openly about this. He had come to the first night of my art show, so this really wasn't such a big deal. Of course he didn't want to disappoint me. He was just acting how he needed to considering all of the circumstances and internal workings with which he was approaching this situation.
Something clicked in me that day that has never since gone away. The idea that, for anyone, if I was them, I'd be doing exactly what they are, because then I would understand their full situation and their full mind. Any time I notice negativity toward someone arising within me, I remember this idea and realize that I must not understand the full picture of why they are doing what they are. This is compassion, really. It's, "If I were them, I'd be doing that, too." And, if they were you, they would act, say, think exactly what/how you do. We have to remember that we can't possibly understand the complete full picture of anyone else's life. But we can have compassion for it anyway.
A fun aside: many months after Nui told me this, I shared with him how impactful that was for me, and he told me that wasn't how he meant it at all. He was actually making a joke, like if I was in Sanam's body, then I would be Sanam and not me. He appreciated though how much he had helped form my view/compassion, albeit unintentionally. 😝
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P.S. if you’d like to learn more about Nui, read his book here: The Cosmic Woolpresser
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
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